Integration, Inclusion and Self-Love

During my life coach training we were given an assignment to come up with things that we can’t be with or in other words were hard to be with. As I looked at my life and the times that I was bothered, I came up with a few things like people being disrespectful, controlling, passive aggressive, demanding, aloof, and self-centered. The one that stood out above the rest was disrespectful, this in particular just drives me crazy and when asked what about this is hard to be with I felt that it creates feelings for me of not being valued or important. The next question is what’s hard about that and my sense is that I am made to feel small. The next part of the assignment was with the entire group and we all had an opportunity to flush out what was really going on there. As we went around the room, deeply exploring these intimate experiences of what bothers us, we were all able to distill down to a concept or feeling that really hit the nail on the head. As I listened to others share and process and it became my turn what unfolded for me was that I have an issue with irresponsibility so that was my name tag for the day and the concept that I was invited to work with. In our training, as the role of client, in just a 15-minute time period, I was able to really recognize that my issue with irresponsibility was really pointing at me. I was facing the reality of some of my life choices and the “failures”, “mistakes”, “shortcomings” and lack of completion to projects I had started. This brought up some real honest recognition of myself even though I do not see myself as a failure, in fact quite the opposite. I see the amazing accomplishments of thriving through my life experiences and losses, my college degree, the building of my massage and doula practices, the incredible 54-hour labor and homebirth of my daughter, the manifestation and remodel of our Petaluma home and the list can go on. Yet there are always the nagging unfinished business and general messiness of my life that I labeled irresponsibility. What came next was unexpected and that was a recognition of my pain, fear and suffocation of these parts of me and my life and how to be okay to allow them to be present and exist along with my greatness. From here I found a respect for the whole me and a sense of inclusion for all the aspects of my being, a feeling of integration and therefore self-love. This journey from disrespect to other people’s irresponsibility to my own was profound for me.

We often talk about relationships as a mirror to look at our own “stuff” and often the stronger and deeper the relationship the bigger the mirror. What I love best about this journey is that we can choose. We can look in the mirror and be responsible for what we see or look away and blame the other. It is always a choice but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way it just feels like the other person’s problem. This exercise really asked me to take a look at and be cognizant of what bothers me in another, see how that might be reflected in my own life and behavior and have gratitude for acknowledging what I can work on. Remember that we are all here to learn and grow and the gifts of relationship will support that journey with the most valuable relationship being the one we have with ourselves. Look in the mirror, smile and give yourself a hug. You deserve it!